last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
