I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
