Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
