this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
