I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
