just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
