Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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