i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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