New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
