Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she told me i tasted like america
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
