Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
