I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
