Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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