i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
