First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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