turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
