I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he fucked my hip out of place.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
But theres a keg here and me gusta
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
