i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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