Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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