her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
