my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
