Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
