Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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