I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
