well I can't set my house on fire every night
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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