No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
