Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
