The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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