Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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