I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Terrible idea I love it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
