Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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