I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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