When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
