Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
