I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
