The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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