Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
