So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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