Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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