I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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