You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
