Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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