You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
