Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
