Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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