Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
this is an emotional support booty call
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
