i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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