She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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