After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
