I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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