Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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