she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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