So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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